welcome to the abyss

Category: Musings (Page 1 of 8)

I’ve Been Playing The Game The Outer Worlds And It Is So Much Fun!

I am going to share a secret; I am a gamer. I have never talked about it before on here because since being diagnosed with MS I have found it impossible for me to get comfortable while playing PS4 games on our TV. Over the past few months I really started to get the itch to start gaming again, so I did some research and decided to get a Nintendo Switch console. It can move around with me very easily and I am 100% glad that I decided to give it a try. The last time I played a Nintendo system was the N64 when I proudly beat Golden Eye, so there was a bit of a learning curve. However, I quickly got used to it and I am having an amazingly good time.

So, what is the game Outer Worlds? In it you play a guy flying around the Halcyon system trying to figure out the mystery surrounding a colonist spaceship that he was originally on. On your travels you encounter greedy corporations, freedom fighters, killer robots, and some very scary creatures. It’s like Fallout New Vegas and made by the same company Obsidian. So, if you love just wandering about and fucking shit up this is the game for you. It’s a bit more linear so you can’t explore every planet again once you leave them. Also, once you make some enemies of factions they will refuse to sell gear to you and attempt to kill you on sight.

I tend to only play these types of games because I love playing solo and offline. I haven’t played any online games since the last time I played World Of Warcraft over fifteen years ago. I would never talk to anybody and just keep to myself because I didn’t like all of the sexist crap going on. The only online game I ever really liked was Star Wars Galaxies. I used to be part of an Empire supporting crew and it was fun as hell. I even met Darth Vader which was very peachy-keen!

I usually take this time of year off when it comes to posting content because I really hate the holiday season. All of the forced happiness makes me want to retreat into a cave until it’s all over in early January. So, if you don’t see me posting as much, or not at all, until then nothing is the matter;like Arnie I will be back. I kind of have a big post I want to do so I may be partially working on that during this time.

Later days.

My Responses To The ‘Goth Tag’ Questions

That is me on the left in early 1991. I’ve posted this photo before but it is one of the only photos of myself that I have from back then. I didn’t like having my photo taken.

I have seen these questions making the rounds all over social media and I thought I would join in since my answers will be a bit different compared to a lot of the other answers I have seen. This is due to being old and also being heavily into punk music.

1. How long have I been goth? My area of the San Francisco East Bay did not start using the word until around 90-91. Some of my favourite bands in high school in the late 80’s, that are considered goth, were Specimen, Siouxsie And The Banshees, The Cure, Gene Loves Jezebel and The Cult. So I have been listening to the music since about 1986. During that time I also loved U2 and The Dead Kennedys so musically I was all over the place. I didn’t call myself a goth until about 92 because the people who used the term first in my area were the uber goobers and I did not want to be lumped in with them. They took themselves way too seriously, which I never did. I have also always had a foot in the punk subculture.

2. How was I introduced to goth? Nobody sat me down and told me what to listen to or how to dress. There was no internet, of course, and it could be kind of difficult to find out about bands. At the first high school I went to I was the only person in my friend group who listened to the music, and they thought the music was too weird. There was a Bay Area ‘modern rock’ station during that time that would play the more obscure stuff late at night and that’s how I learned about a few of them . At my second high school there were more weirdos, and some of them were quite helpful with bands. Back then the term ‘post-punk’ wasn’t used at all in my area, rather all weirdo music, except for punk of course, was called ‘alternative’ or ‘modern rock’. The term ‘alternative’ was ruined by the mainstream record labels who used it for grunge in their attempt to sell ‘weirdo’ music to the masses.

3. What gothic subgenre would you put yourself in? If you regularly read this blog then you know how much I dislike all of the ‘goth type’ crap. It originated as a joke in the 90’s, making fun of the stereotypes seen in clubs. For whatever reason a lot of younger folks, and some deluded old ones, feel the need to fit themselves into a box. I do tend to listen to a lot of deathrock music, probably more-so than any other ‘type’ but I refuse to call myself ‘deathrock’ because there is more to me than just one form of music, and I refuse to box myself in just to please others.

4. What do you believe to be the bases(basis) of the gothic subculture? First, I would love to point out how the person who wrote out these questions uses both the terms ‘goth’ and ‘gothic’. We used to always use both of the terms interchangeability way back when but now ‘gothic’ means spooky architecture, while ‘goth’ means the subculture. I think the basis of the subculture is the music more than anything else. Without the music there wouldn’t be a subculture. Period. The clothes and make-up are secondary. Anybody who calls themselves goth but who doesn’t listen to actual goth bands is more than likely a trend whore; a person who jumps from trend to trend. Since the term has been super popular in the mainstream for the last few years there are quite a few of these people floating around all wearing the same really shit Demonia boots and the same kind of outfits. I find them all boring, but it is rather entertaining when these fashion victims bitch about their Demonias falling apart within a week of wearing them.

5. What do I dislike about being goth? I know that a lot of goth women bitch about being sexually harassed by men who think all goth women are kinky, but that hasn’t happened to me at all in real life. I think it’s mainly because I look older and use a cane. There are some upsides to being diseased and middle aged. There really isn’t anything that I dislike since I am in my own bubble of existence. I am just me being me.

6. What do your parents think of it? My mom was with me when I got my first undercut in 88, so she has always been very supportive of me and has said that if she had been my age she would also be goth. I have a cool mom. My dad died back in 85. I honestly think that his death had a lot to do with me becoming a weirdo. I was already an outcast for being poor and having a dead parent so morphing into a goth/punk weirdo wasn’t a huge step for me to take. In fact just about everybody into goth/punk music back then was some sort of societal reject.

7. Eyebrows or no eyebrows? Eyebrows, because I look like crap with them shaved off.

8. What is my favourite band? I have a holy trinity of all time favourite bands; Samhain, Christian Death (mostly Valor) and The Dead Kennedys (Jello only). Those three groups have probably influenced me more than anything else. I actually got to tell Valor that in person the other month which was cool as hell. Uber goober Rozz fanatics may get mad at me for liking Valor’s music more than the music of Rozz but I just don’t give a shit. Seriously. Stay angry and irrational over something that happened about 40 years ago, it’s entertaining.

9. My opinion on Marilyn Manson? This question is a bit young for me since I was already in my twenties when he reared his very ugly head. I remember seeing people younger than me at the clubs in the late 90’s trying to look like him and it was hysterically funny. The fact that it came out that he is an abusive asshole didn’t come as a shock to me. In the wise words of Jello Biafra:

You ain’t hardcore ’cause you spike your hair

When a jock still lives inside your head

10. What were my baby bat days like? I didn’t really experience that because I was so all over the place musically. However, it kind of sucked being into both punk and goth bands at the same time back over 30 years ago because according to some people I was too punk for goth and too goth for punk. The punk subculture was way more welcoming to me and I actually gained the nickname Vampira because of dressing in all black and loving the Misfits, Samhain and Danzig. It was actually a bit tough being a woman into those three bands back then; they were considered ‘guy’ bands because of the violent imagery and horror content of the songs. I have always been into horror and sci-fi films and novels so I identified very heavily with those bands and they spoke to me a lot. Kids these days get into the fashion first and then the music, but back then it was the opposite. I listened to goth and punk music first and then slowly started dressing ‘dark’. Even back then I did a lot of DIY type projects so I always painted my own leather jackets and upcycled clothing. However, there was a US clothing chain called Contempo Casuals who sold a whole lot of weirdo friendly clothing. Just about every single person I knew back then had a least a few pieces of clothing by them. I had a pair of black crushed velvet leggings from there that lasted me about ten years. No joke! So the older people in the US saying that all they did was thrift is a total lie, and they know it. I even found a long multi-layer black lace skirt in a regular mall store back then.

So, that is it! I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it. As you can see my experiences are a bit different since I was also into punk and got into the music first. It was a road of discovery for me, not a destination. Especially considering that the term ‘goth’ wasn’t even used in my area until after I was already listening to the music.

My Thoughts On Oppidum, A Builder Of Doomsday Bunkers For The Super Wealthy

I am writing this literally right after finding out about it on Reddit and watching the above video. As a wasteland enthusiast I just knew that this was right up my alley when it comes to nerd knowledge and wishful thinking. Having watched a ton of post-apocalyptic films over the years, and being knowledgable about food and water scarcity, prepping, and climate change events I think I have something kinda valuable to add to the conversation. The following points are just my opinions but judging from the comments on the video I am in no way alone with my line of thinking.

  • When you build a huge bunker there are going to be a ton of contractors working on your supposedly ‘secret’ site. If these contractors have families that are going hungry in the wasteland do you honestly think that they wouldn’t try to break into the bunker to take the supplies? Of course they would and I wouldn’t blame them one bit for it.
  • Space for multiple expensive cars and for fine art collections? If a nuclear war happens what the hell are you going to do with that crap once you exit the bunker? Trade a Ferrari for a can of beans?
  • To protect the ones you love? More like kill the ones you love because everybody is going to be raiding that bunker for supplies.
  • There are servants shown serving a family food. Are their families also going to be given space in it because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to be subservient to uber rich arseholes while their family is dying of radiation sickness and starving outside.
  • It’s so cute how they think the old social order will survive in the wasteland. Those with the most skills are the ones that are going to survive, not those with the most money. The minute they step out of that bunker they are signing their death warrants because they have absolutely nothing to contribute to a society ravaged by disease and hunger. Oh wait…if cannibals eat them they would be contributing their flesh as a source of protein. What a nice thing for them to do!
  • Having a safe space to reflect? Oh, you mean laughing with the family about how all of the ‘poors’ deserve to die since they didn’t pull themselves up enough by their bootstraps and couldn’t afford to build a bunker? Got it.

I could go on but you get the idea. To stay safe in the wasteland don’t hide in a bunker; learn valuable skills instead.

Some Cool Shirts And Patches That I Have Found On Etsy

I had to get these…..because it’s Samhain.

As I have previously stated before on this blog I do not accept anything for free for reviewing products. I have always felt that it is really disingenuous to accept free swag and then brag about it online. That is what so many younger content creators are doing within the online goth/punk communities these days and I find it really boring and trite. This is all to say that I bought every single item that you see contained in this post.

The back of those same shirts. The red print looking white in these photos are just reflections, the lettering is not white at all.

Have you never seen these Samhain shirt designs before? Me neither, and that is why I had to get them. Out of Glenn Danzig’s three different bands Samhain is the one that doesn’t have the insane level of gear that the other two have, so it is difficult to find items of the band that are out of the ordinary. This seller on Etsy has designs that I have never seen before so I am assuming that they came up with them themselves. I mean some of the elements of the designs I am familiar with, but I have never seen them quite like this before. They cost me about £18.00 each and for the price they are really good looking. The red is a little orange in places but you can’t notice that unless you are looking up close. All in all I am very happy with this purchase.

Yes, that is a Bee Gees patch and I am not ashamed!

I have been buying a lot of patches lately. Some are going to be for the Glenn Danzig themed jacket while some others will be used in projects in the future. I especially love the hand-painted severed heads Misfits patch. It’s such a work of beauty that I had to order more patches from her. If you are into Glenn Danzig at all, or like spooky imagery, you will spend money at her shop.

If a band that you like has little to no merchandise Etsy is a great place to find gear. Make no mistake, you should always look on Bandcamp first but Etsy is there for you if you happen to like bands that broke up decades ago. The only thing I would make sure to do is read the reviews of the products, because there are people on there selling substandard gear out of China. In fact there are whole stores on there that do that. When in doubt do an easy reverse image search, because that will tell you if multiple stores are selling the exact same item.

Happy hunting!

The Queen Is Dead And I Refuse To Mourn Her

One of her last duties was welcoming Liz Truss as the new Prime Minister. Proof that whatever Truss touches dies.

Golly gee Megan, why do you not care about Queen Elizabeth dying? The simple answer is because she never truly cared about her subjects. The complicated answer? Her direct ancestors caused all of my Irish ancestors to flee their homes under threat of starvation and death. So, if I was to mourn her I would be in a sense betraying my ancestors and I refuse to do that.

  • The Tories have been slashing the NHS to the point that it can now barely function. What did she say about it? Nothing
  • The disabled being denied benefits because the Tories want them to die and get out of the way? Not a peep.
  • People having to choose between turning on the lights or feeding their children? Still nothing.
  • Her son Andrew raped underage girls, so what did she do? She doubled down on protecting him.

The British Royals have almost no power because the United Kingdom is a constitutional monarchy. She was the head of state but Parliament makes all of the laws. However, she had the absolute right to speak out about how her subjects were treated and if she was unhappy she could have used her voice to help change things. As I wrote above she never really said anything about her subjects being treated like dirt.

The British monarchy directly represents a colonial past; a time in which people were killed or forced to flee their homes in the name of the crown and country. I will not celebrate her death, like I did with Thatcher. However, I refuse to mourn her.

Some Life Updates

Hello! Just thought I would give some updates as to the direction that I want this blog to go in. I have been giving this some thought for the last few weeks so it is nothing I decided out of the blue or anything like that.

  1. I will only be doing Killstar Confidential posts once a month. All of the crap they are pulling is too much for me to handle by myself and I feel like it is draining my energy way too much. I did the major work already, if anybody else wants to run with it please feel free.
  2. I am going to pick any future ‘battles’ that I get into a lot more carefully and less frequently. I don’t mind posting about drama once in a while but I do not want to be known just for that. Plus, it just tires me the hell out and my MS symptoms don’t like it very much.
  3. The file for the Christian Death video is too large for me to put on the blog. I would have to purchase more bandwidth for the blog and I am not ready to do that as yet. I have put it up on the Official Christian Death Fan Club Facebook page, so if you want to watch it head on over there. The members in there are very cool so if you are a fan of the band I urge you to join. Lots of news, reviews and even items that people want to sell sometimes.

That’s it for now. I will be back in a few days with another post. Take care!


You read that correctly, I have been blocked by Killstar so that I can no longer comment, or even give a a laugh reaction on their Facebook page. Gee I wonder who else has done that to me before? Scammers that I report to Facebook. What do private equity firms love to do? Scam people. So, thank you Killstar for proving me right. By the way, here is a link to that article that has them so angry with me, and why they blocked me on Facebook. I’M NOT BACKING DOWN KILLSTAR!

Apocalypse Wednesday: China Hit With Severe Floods And Droughts Week 13

This is one of China’s main rivers the Yangtze. In some areas it is almost completely dry.

China uses its rivers to transport goods to factories and from factories. The most important river historically has always been the Yangtze and it provides water for crops, human consumption and hydropower plants. Without it China would be totally fucked because these factories send most of their goods to the West and this in turn creates a lot whole lot of wealth within the country itself.

Not only is a drought causing a load of problems in China it is also majorly flooding in the east of the county. Too much rain in an area where the dirt is very compacted and dry causes flooding because the ground cannot absorb the rain as quickly as needed.

As if all of this wasn’t enough the centre of China is experiencing record high temperatures. The heavy use of air conditioning is straining their electrical grid because of the lack of hydropower coming from the generators along their dying rivers. The government there has shut hundreds, or maybe even thousands, of factories because of all of this. This of course means that since goods cannot be produced there that people here in the West are just going to have to learn to live without; clothes, appliances, toys, beauty products, car parts, and even some kinds of food will be in short supply. This in fact is already happening.

There is fuck all that can be done about this because climate change is a bitch and can’t be easily fixed by throwing money at it or by hopium inspired thoughts and prayers. Exploitive companies in the West have moved their factories over there within the last few decades to claw in even more money than they already make so don’t shed a damn tear for them because they are now reaping what they have sown.

Apocalypse Wednesday: US Government Announces Water Cutbacks For Colorado River, But Not Until January? WTF? Week 12

Does this look like it can wait till January?

This morning I woke up to find out that the US federal government has announced that Nevada, Arizona and Mexico have to lower their intake of water from the Colorado river basin by 25%, starting not now but in January. Seriously?

If I sound really doubtful about all of this is because the US Government has done fuck all to prevent this region from becoming uninhabitable very soon. Is there anything that they could do now to prevent the upcoming disaster? Not really, because they allowed all of the farming and building of subdivisions in a desert to happen in the first place. There should have been limits to the uncontrolled growth that has been happening in the American Southwest for decades now. All of this is way too little way too late to make any kind of meaningful difference.

The thing about this which really pisses me of the most about this inaction is that they want to wait till January. Seriously? What the hell do they think is going to happen between now and January? More rain?

What do I think needs to be done right now to confront this?

  1. No new housing subdivisions or businesses allowed to be built in the states that are affected. Period.
  2. Lawns and non native plant gardens are not allowed to be watered. This includes private residences, businesses, golf courses, cemeteries, parks and other such places.
  3. Man made decorative lakes in subdivisions should be allowed to dry up and not be allowed to take water from the Colorado to be filled.
  4. Farms in the desert should be ploughed under and not allowed to exist.
  5. Any citizen or business that goes against any of this should be very heavily fined. I am talking hundreds of thousands of dollars, an amount that will make people think twice.

If you live in this region you should look to getting out sooner rather than later because pretty soon this entire area is going to be uninhabitable. No ‘thoughts and prayers’ are going to change this.

Apocalypse Wednesday: I Actually Have Some Personal Good News This Week! Week 11

I don’t really discuss having multiple sclerosis on this blog, mainly because I don’t want to make the disease my identity. However, I have such good news that I feel like sharing.

There is no cure for this disease and scientists still haven’t figured out what exactly causes it. However, there are many newish DMT (disease modifying therapy) drugs that a patient can take to slow down the progression of the disease. A MS diagnosis used to be a death sentence until such drugs were available starting around twenty years ago.

When I was diagnosed about five years ago they immediately put me on Plegridy, which was a shot that I had to give myself every other week. Those shots would tire me out so much that I would be crashed out in bed the entire next day. So, I told my doctors that I wanted to stop taking that shot and be put on something else. I am now on Tecfidera which is a twice daily pill and I barely have any side affects from it at all.

If you go on a new MS med they want to do a MRI scan within the year to see if any new lesions appear on your brain or spine. If there are new lesions that means the med isn’t working to slow it down. I had a scan about a month ago and guess what???? I officially have no new lesions on my brain or spine!!! Which means that the med is working for me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and it has made me so happy!!!

There are some really crap things happening around the world right now, but sometimes you just have to slow down and relax. It’s okay to be happy and to celebrate small victories right now.

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