welcome to the abyss

Category: Musings (Page 1 of 6)

Want My Thoughts On The Overturning Of Roe Vs. Wade? FUCK THE US GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Exploited were right 40 years ago. FUCK THE USA

I had an abortion 31 years ago in the US and have never regretted it. Never. If abortions had been illegal during that time in the US I would have killed myself. Having one saved me from a life that I did not want to live; being tied to a lying asshole after being forced to have his child. So, FUCK THE US GOVERNMENT. They have absolutely no right to tell a woman what she should and shouldn’t do with her own body!!! I no longer live in the US and there isn’t a US embassy where I live so I can’t do shit in person but I will fight this shit online. If you are in the US please get out in the streets in protest!!!! In the immortal words of The Exploited BEAT THE BASTARDS!!!!!

Songs That Were Played In The Alternative Clubs I Went To From 1988-92

This was the inside of the alternative club One Step Beyond that I went to from 1988 till it closed in 1991. I vividly remember that head painting! Not my photo.

I went to my first ‘alterative’ club in early 1988 on my 17th birthday, and it was called One Step Beyond in Santa Clara California. For whatever reason their age limit was 17 and up instead of 18, and I had a friend that had a car so I know I was very lucky to get to experience this. My friend had graduated in 87 so I was the only teen from my high school that went. My mom was/is cool and never gave me a curfew and let me go.

What did I experience exactly? It was the tail end of new wave, so the older songs were still played regularly. Radio stations refused to play rap songs by certain artists like 2 Live Crew or NWA and alternative clubs such as One Step Beyond were among the only places that you could hear those bands being played. The American government was trying to get such bands banned for offensive lyrics so playing such music in a club setting was actually pretty forward thinking for the time.

That is me on the left at the Twilight Zone in early 1991 when I was 20. Yes, I did the jacket myself, it had a Fiend skull on the back.

Rather than me droning on and on I am going to be posting some songs that I vividly remember being played during that time at One Step Beyond, The Twilight Zone and The Edge. Each place had it’s own unique vibe. The Edge was close to Stanford University so it was where the wealthy students would go if they wanted to go slumming, but there was definitely a gaggle of weirdos that also went there. The Twilight Zone was in an old movie theatre lobby and had the best venue I have ever been to. It has sweeping staircases to a second level where you could look down on the dance-floor and it was all ages. Finally, One Step Beyond. It had the most diverse crowd out of the three. There were punkers, mods, skins, etc… and everybody pretty much got along.

These are in no sort of order and are songs that I heard during that time in the clubs. Notice how eclectic this list is? It’s why I loved these clubs. I think something was definitely lost when the goth nights started to pop up in the early 90’s and left a lot of this music behind.

Desireless – Voyage Voyage (1986)

Red Flag – If I Ever (1989)

Digital Underground – Doowutchyalike (1990)

A Flock Of Seagulls – Wishing (If I Had A Photograph) (1983)

Virgin Prunes – Pagan Love Song (1982)

2 Live Crew – Get It Girl (1987)

My Life With The Thrill Kill Cult- The Days Of Swine And Roses (1990)

Christian Death – Church Of No Return (1989)

Ofra Haza – Im Nin’Alu (1988)

Technotronic – Pump Up The Jam (1990)

Billy Idol – Dancing With Myself (1981)

Specimen – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (1983)

Fake – Another Brick (1985)

Laid Back – White Horse (1983)

Blancmange – Living On The Ceiling (1982)

Grandmaster Flash & Melle Mel – White Lines (Don’t Do It) (1983)

Deee-Lite – Groove Is In The Heart (1990)

Soft Cell – Sex Dwarf (1981)

Front 242 – Don’t Crash (1985)

Eric B. & Rakim – Paid In Full (1987)

Classism Is Alive And Well Within The Goth Subculture

The truth.

Classism sucks and I find it sad as hell that it is alive and well within the goth community. What I am stating shouldn’t be a shock because you can easily find examples of this online. Everything from insisting on buying only thrift clothes to telling people to buy only handmade items falls into this.

Thrifting clothes as of right now is very ‘in’. So much so that people will raid thrift stores and then resell the items for twice as much online. Even thrift stores have gotten into the act. Quite often they will charge more for the same items than you can get for new elsewhere. People always screech that you should get everything thrifted because they think that is the only way we bought clothes over 30 years ago. Actually, a whole lot of us bought clothes from regular mall type shops. Stores like Contempo Casuals sold very goth friendly alternative clothes and just about everybody I knew back then got at least some of their wardrobe from there. So, don’t feel guilty that you can’t buy a lot of thrifted clothes. You may even not have any thrift stores near where you live, and that’s okay.

This was originally a Killstar jacket. I did a ton of DIY work to make it look different.

People are also giving others a lot of shit for daring to buy clothing from ‘dark alternative’ online stores. I have made no secret as to how I purchase clothing from such sites; only on sale and never full price. Frankly, I really don’t give a crap where you buy your clothes from. Just as long as it isn’t Dollskill, who is a very problematic brand, I don’t care. You do you. Personally, I would never wear an entire outfit of just one brand but if that’s what you gotta do that is what you gotta do. Who the hell am I to judge you?

It is very classist to exclude somebody from the goth subculture just because they don’t have the money or the time to do DIY projects. Studs, paints and other such things cost money and can be expensive to buy online. In this economic climate it is super hard for many to afford all of this. I only have a lot of DIY supplies because I have bought them little by little when I have the cash to do so. Also, many people just don’t have the time to work on a huge project like a jacket. I have MS and sometimes it can take me weeks to complete something because of how exhausted I always am.

Where a whole lot of weirdos bought clothes in the late 80’s/early 90’s.

Remember that people have lives outside of online spaces and no longer live with their parents. The people who get really zany about all of this are the younger folk who either don’t know any better or who think they are an authority on the subject even though they don’t even know about basic goth bands such as Bauhaus. Some of them even attempt to create YouTube channels so that they can get sponsored and receive free crap to show off. Most of these type of YouTubers quit within a year or two because they want to jump off the goth train and climb onto another one.

Clout chasers should get no say in how you want to dress. Their reality of free gear and taking hours to look like a cheap-ass version of Siouxsie is not the reality for most of the people in the goth subculture. You do not have to spend tons of money on expensive gear to be a goth or to participate in the subculture. If you are poor and listen to goth music that makes you a goth, not the clothing that you wear. Be you, and don’t let the ignorant classist bullshit artists dictate where you should buy your clothes from.

That Time I Gave Ronald Reagan’s Secretary Of State, George Shultz, The Finger

The true evil empire of the 1980’s.

I have always been left winged and I openly hated Reagan all through high school in the late 80’s. Conformity was a total way of life back then, so I of course got a lot of crap in high school for disliking him. The cult of Reagan was a real thing. With all of that being said I jumped at the chance of visiting DC in late 1987 with a group called Close Up. It was an organization which taught teens about politics, and I met other teens from all over the country there. Most, if not all, of the teens were Reagan supporters so thinking I was unpopular is correct. I actually won an award on the last night for being the most politically engaged out of the entire group and I got booed. I also got booed at my high school graduation so this was the start of a trend. You know you are doing something right when all of the conformist Reagan cultists hate you.

With all of that being said, the week I was in DC was also coincidently the week that the US and the USSR signed the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces(INF) Treaty. One of the days we were allowed to walk wherever we wanted to before a big lunch. Two friends and I were walking near the Capital Building when we noticed a motorcade of black limos coming towards us. First the Soviets came by and they actually slowed down, rolled down their windows, and happily waved to us as they drove past. There were little USSR flags on the front of the limo, so yes it was them. Then came the Americans, who didn’t open their windows or wave to people at all. Being the savvy teen that I was I knew that Shultz had to be in one of them and sure enough as his limo slowly went past I could see his very recognizable profile. Immediately I gave him the finger while shouting repeatedly for him to go fuck himself. My friends told me to stop because they were scared of being arrested but I kept going until he was out of sight. I told my friends that they could not arrest a sixteen year old for using her constitutional right to criticize the US government. I was correct.

Looking back on my teen years this is the event I am the most proud of. As a sixteen year old I had a bigger set of balls than a lot of the adults did during that time. I talked the talk and walked the walk, the same as I do today. During that time I was into The Dead Kennedys, U2 and other politically minded bands. All of that music taught me that it was more important to stand up against horrible situations and people, rather than just sitting back and doing nothing. I hope this inspires you to do the same.

Gothgate; How I Got Permanently Banned From r/goth On Reddit


I have been permanently banned from commenting and participating in the r/goth community over on Reddit. You may well be asking what the hell did I do to piss of the moderators over on there so badly? Well, basically, I got banned for refusing to change who I am. Seriously. My personality was deemed inconvenient and I was told that if I didn’t change how I reacted to some of the idiots on there that I would be banned. I refused to change who I am as a person so here we are! This starts to get entertaining pretty early on so enjoy the ride!

The first hint that I may have been pissing off the r/goth mods was a message that I was sent by the head mod. I was only able to get one screenshot of those because they are only saved on their side of things and not on mine. Aggressive? More like I told people the truth and didn’t sugarcoat things. I can be brutally honest, but sometimes that is what is needed for people to ‘see the light’ so to speak. The people who made complaints couldn’t deal with being wrong so they cried to the mods. The mods didn’t really feel like being mods so they passed their responsibility onto me. Which is of course bullshit. Sign up to be a mod of a large online community? Expect to have to deal with people constantly crying because things aren’t going the way they want them to.

Below is the first and only message I saved from the short conversation with the lead mod. As you can see I am being called ‘aggressive’ and I automatically disagree with them. Telling people the truth bluntly is considered aggressive apparently. If people can’t handle being told the truth that is not a me problem. This is the way I have always acted online and I have never gotten such a message from a mod of an online community before concerning my behaviour.

In response to this I wrote a complaint about it on their weekly thread. Notice how I did not start my own thread about it in the community. I knew doing it this way would kind of startle them because they probably expected me to make an angry thread and bounce.

I make a very good point below. If people cannot deal with being told the truth of things online then they are going to be emotionally unable to deal with confrontation in the real world. That is an issue that is not my fault or my responsibility to have to deal with. Yet somehow he next calls me an aggressive douche. He says that not being as confrontational is not a big ask? He is basically trying to tell me to change how I am as a person so that their job is more easy. Telling somebody to change their personality within a community that tells others to be themselves all of the time? Wahahaha!!!! The stench of hypocrisy, there is nothing like it.

They actually did need me way more than I needed them. I constantly do DIY projects and have a whole lot of knowledge on that subject. I also know a whole lot about goth/punk/post-punk music that came out of the 80’s and 90’s. You can’t get all of this kind of information from books or websites, sometimes you need somebody who actually lived through the times to tell you what it was really like. Their loss.

This next part is very, very entertaining. I know for a fact that I was the oldest person who participated in that group on a daily basis. I’m too repetitive in my comments? When people ask the same damn questions just about every single day in the community am I just supposed to make up new things to say? I was not competing for the Nobel Prize in journalism or literature, I was only telling the truth to those who had no idea what they were on about. If people think that telling the truth is being aggressive then they are going to be among the first to go once society goes completely off the rails within the next few years.

Oh, and this bitch had the audacity to say all of that after I had sold her a pair of almost new pikes for very cheap last year. She is saying she doesn’t need me now, but by golly she needed me when she wanted those pikes last year.LOL

She then passively aggressively lies about me ripping her off. Luckily I saved a screenshot of when I told her how much it cost me to send them. Did I get an apology? Of course not! If you are a cowardly passive aggressive bitch that is completely on you and not on me.

Had to be? Wahahaha!!!!!!! Try to play the victim by stating that you were a broke college student? That’s funny but I didn’t know that broke college students could spend £200 on a new pair of pikes. Maybe she will share what bank she uses because I need in on some of that action. Mamma needs another pair of boots.

A few hours after this I commented on a random half naked chick’s ‘big tiddy goth girlfriend’ pic and didn’t report it because why the hell should I help them at this stage. I knew they were going to end up banning me so I wrote a final post on their bitching Sunday thread. I didn’t make it into a separate post of its own because I knew that they were just chomping at the bit for me to do that. Instead I went out on my own terms and stated exactly what I was thinking, as I always do.

Soon after this I got two different messages, as seen below. Not only did they permanently ban me from participating in the group they muted me from sending the mods messages for three days! I freaked them out so much that they had to hide behind muting me. Hypocritical cowards are going to be hypocritical cowards.

There you have it folks. I got kicked off of r/goth because of being myself and not agreeing to change who I am as a person. I actually feel a sense of pride. Instead of giving in to peer pressure I stood up for myself and didn’t back down. If I could survive Donald Trump illegally blocking me on Facebook when he was President of the United States then I can easily survive this.

Joy Division Is Not A Goth Band


If you have been online for any amount of time in the goth community you will witness younglings who insist that Joy Division is a goth band. When you tell them that they were in a fact a post-punk band they squirm and squeal like a piglet and will call you an elitist or a gatekeeper for telling them the truth.

Why are Joy Division being pushed as a goth band by those who have no idea what they are on about? Because Joy Division quite often had sad lyrics. The younglings insist, and believe, that sadness = goth. If there was any truth to that then wouldn’t tons of country bands be considered goth? Or even Blues musicians? Both genres of music quite often have sad lyrics. It makes absolutely no sense. Seriously.

Joy Division is a very influential band who paved the way for a whole lot of post-punk and goth bands, but they themselves are not a goth band. But how can that be I can hear younglings asking. They quite often will site how producer Martin Hannett in 1979 called them a band with gothic overtones, without realizing that the terms goth and gothic actually mean two different things. The term gothic describes a dark style of architecture and literature, while the term goth is a descriptor for a form of music and subculture. Hannett was basically saying that their music had a darkness to it. Also, the goth subculture didn’t really start going till the early 80’s so he definitely wasn’t referencing that.

What can we learn from this lesson? That misinformation spreads like wildfire online. The internet is both a curse and a blessing for the goth subculture as a whole right now. On the one hand you have people wanting to learn about goth music which is a very cool thing. On the other hand you have people who have no idea what goth music is pushing unrelated genres such as Soundcloud rap as goth, which of course confuses the younglings.

Why do I care so much about this? Because I am sick and tired of seeing them being pushed into a genre that they were never a part of. All of this also raises an important question; why the hell are younglings so hellbent on calling everything goth these days? If they like something they will call it goth because they think that everything they like has to be goth or they aren’t a ‘true goth’. I’m not even joking about that. Instead of being themselves they want to fit inside a self imposed goth box that contains half truths and lies. In the 80’s and 90’s they were never considered goth, and no amount of tantrums by poseurs and wannabes is going to change that.

Holy Crap, Somebody Uploaded The 1990 Danzig VHS Tape!!!!

The man, the myth, the legend.

Yesterday I was innocently perusing Glenn Danzig related videos when to my shock and surprise I discovered that somebody had uploaded the 1990 Danzig VHS tape! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!

I bought this over 30 years ago and my friend Sheri and I would watch it and just drool. Seriously, if you like dudes with muscles playing evil sounding music then this is the video for you! It’s composed of a few music videos from the first Danzig album entitled ‘Danzig’, along with various interviews. My favourite is the one in which Glenn discusses the lost books of the bible. Glenn knows his stuff when it comes to Christianity, probably more than most Christians.

What trips me out is how young they all look. I am now older than they were when this was made. I actually saw this original line-up of the band on their Dirty Black Summer tour and it was the best concert I have ever been to. The audience was at least 80% men, and filled with everybody from punks to bikers. It was really close to Halloween, and for an encore they played the Samhain version of Halloween II. That is my favourite song off of November Coming Fire, which is my all time favourite album, so to say I was thrilled would be an understatement.

So, watch the above video and bask in it’s glory because it’s a very cool video if you are into anything Glenn related.

My Favourite 80’s Songs That Are Not Goth Or Punk; Part One

I graduated high school in 1989 so I spent a lot of my childhood and teen years in the 1980’s. That means that the music from that decade really shaped me into who I am today; a punk/goth weirdo. Does that mean that I only listened to punk and goth music during that time? Of course not! I started listening to the genres in around 1986, and I was also listening to all kinds of different bands during this time period. These are not in any kind of order and I will state the date these songs were released next to their names and song titles. I will try to remember the year I first heard them, or at least try to because that was a long time ago!


It was around 1986 that I first heard this song. I was heavily into U2 during that time and I had read about Clannad in an article about U2 in which Bono mentioned liking them and some other Irish bands. I bought a Clannad compilation after reading that and this song became my favourite by them. Harry’s Game was a British mini-series set around Belfast during the Troubles, so this song has an added haunted quality to it. My mom and I went to see Clannad live in 1988 and they were a great live band.


I honestly don’t remember exactly what year I heard this because I remember it being played all of the time on SF Bay Area alternative radio stations during the late 80’s. I didn’t know who the heck played this song until the internet came along. That would actually happen quite a lot back then, you would love a song played at a club or on the radio and would never catch the name of who made it. What has always made this song memorable for for me is the lyric ‘No more scooter rides in the cemetery’. Scooters were very trendy among alternative type people and only weirdos would hang out in cemeteries back then so this is very much a song of the 80’s. I think this song only got popular on the U. S. West Coast because I have met people from the East Coast in the past who have never heard of it.


I remember hearing this when I lived in San Francisco as a young teen, and since I left there in late 84 it had to have been before then. I have always loved the bassline in this song so much and it has got to be one of the most recognizable ones to come out of the 80’s. When I started to go to alternative clubs in 1988 all of them would play this and it was definitely a floor filler. White Lines is very obviously all about cocaine and how popular it was during that time.


First off I would like to state for the record that I don’t believe the molestation accusations made against him. Mainly because most, if not all, of the accusations have been easily disproved. With all of that being said I remember hearing this right around the time it came out and I would rush home from school to watch the long version of this play on MTV after it debuted in 1983. MTV would literally show this video all day. No joke! The main reason why I loved this song so much was because of how spooky it was. Growing up I had always loved ghost stories and The Adams Family series was my favourite show. It felt like this song spoke to me!

U2 – NEW YEAR’S DAY (1983)

I have written a lot on here about my love of U2’s post-punk 80’s albums and this song is always within the top five of my favourite songs by them. It just depends on my mood as to which is my favourite. I remember first seeing, and hearing, the video of this song on MTV back when it came out so that would be in 1983. The landscape of the video is breathtaking and the piano playing in the song itself is haunting. To this day, almost forty years later, I still get goosebumps when I hear the intro of it.


When I would go to school dances with my friends in high school this would be one of the only songs that I would like and actually dance to. This song is just soooooo 80’s. When you hear it you just can’t mistake it for a modern song because of all of the basic sound effects, my favourite being the laser blasts. When goth dj’s spin ‘ironic’ type songs they should include this one because it’s so much fun to dance to and the beat is really good. I must have heard this around 85 because I remember only hearing it at high school dances. She also did another cool song called Look Out Weekend.


I love the hell out of 80’s Prince. This man made more good music during that period than any other artist of the time in my opinion. Some come close but nobody made songs like he did. I picked this one because it has always been my favourite due to the subject matter and just how funky it sounds. I don’t remember when I first heard this but it had to be in the early 80’s because I knew who he was when I was in junior high. He has many fans among both the goth and punk subcultures because he marched to the beat of his own drum and wasn’t afraid of doing his own thing. RIP


This has always been my favourite A Flock Of Seagulls song because the guitar playing is beautiful and the lyrics pull at my heartstrings. They are perhaps one of the most underrated bands, new wave or otherwise, to come out of the 80’s. Everybody only paid attention to Mike Score’s hair instead of on the actual music. He has said that he regrets his hairstyles because of that which is a shame. The band as a whole made some great music and will always hold a place in my heart. I must have first heard this sometime in the early 80’s because I just remember always knowing this song and singing along with it whenever I heard it.


I have mentioned The Gap Band on here before because they were just so damn full of catchy songs. I must have heard this right after it came out because I have memories of hearing this way back when. Yet another song that is fun as hell to dance to. I like how this video cements the song into being from the 80’s because of the obvious Cold War references and the innocent dancing of the fully clothed chick towards the end of it.


Another really fun song to dance to! I heard this first at alternative clubs in the late 80’s, because many radio stations refused to play it. This song caused so much controversy that the band were threatened with arrest if they played it, and they played it anyway. They won battles against the PMRC and the US government and championed the first amendment. This alone made me like them because it took balls back then to stand up against the conservative racist Reagan administration. There were a couple of other 80’s songs that I liked by them but this one is the best in my opinion. Best use of a sample EVER!

Red Scare Propaganda Is Making A Comeback

Reagan busted an entertainment trade union and participated in the blacklisting of Hollywood communists/socialists after WW2.

Having been a teen in the 1980’s I remember all of the ‘red scare’ propaganda that would bombard me on almost a daily basis. From the rhetoric of Reagan’s ‘The U.S.S.R. is an evil empire’ propaganda to not being taught a single thing about the Cold War in highschool. If you were a leftist in the 80’s you were seen as the enemy, not only by the US Government, but also by most of society.

I heavily disliked Reagan in high school in the 80’s; even now I think he was an evil son of a bitch who made the poor more destitute and whose racist dog whistles satisfied his white racist supporters. My high school was in a conservative suburb in the San Francisco Bay Area called Fremont. Back in the 80’s I would say that it was probably around 80-90% white. As of the 2019 census it is now only 28% white, which I know makes some of the white people I went to high school with angry of course. I follow maybe only four or five people I went to high school with, including one who turned left after school. Proud of you Brent! Needless to say I have not been to a single class reunion, but I find joy in the fact that I look about 20 years younger than they do. Being a weirdo in the 80’s and staying out of sun has its perks!

Needless to say I was a leftist, and I knew about the political climate of the United States. I listened to a lot of albums by The Dead Kennedys and Jello’s music definitely helped me realise that I wasn’t alone even though I was surrounded by brainwashed Reagan worshippers. My mom took me out of my school one time to go to a Dukakis rally in San Francisco. I was 3 months too young to vote in the 88 election which really bummed me out, and when Bush Sr. won I was totally devastated and I remember crying a lot about it because it made me so angry. Bush Sr. used a huge racist dog whistle in the form of Willie Horton, and made it out like all African Americans were either welfare queens or dangerous thugs. Don’t believe me? Google Willie Horton and be prepared to be disgusted. Of course those Reagan worshippers in school gave me shit since I was very vocal about being a leftist and would constantly argue with them.

This song helped get me through highschool.

I never gave into the peer pressure to be right wing, and to this day I am very proud of that. Right now I see the same type of crap again; anybody who is a leftist is being called a communist as an insult. Sometimes they will call you a socialist but they usually will just jump onto the right wing train and start in on the anti-communist rhetoric. Hell, they even call people such as Biden, who is really not leftist at all, a communist. Anybody to the left of them is an evil commie who wants to destroy either the US, the UK, or all of Europe. In the US a commie is somebody who dares to want a fully socialised healthcare system and worker rights. These right wing morons lick the boots of their corporate masters gladly and are perfectly okay with people having to go bankrupt after being hospitalized because if they haven’t pulled themselves up enough by their bootstraps then that’s their own fault . Yep, they think people deserve shit healthcare because they are poor even when they are poor themselves. It’s a total mindfuck.

It’s not only people on the right who call leftists communists. The Democratic Party is owned by corporate oligarchs just like the GOP and if a leftist, be they a progressive or a communist, fights for free healthcare or worker rights they are told that they are taking things too far and to sit down, shut up and stop behaving like a child who has been caught stealing cookies out of a cookie jar. In the UK the press, which is predominantly far right-winged, will call any leftist politician a communist and smear them with obvious lies. The Labour Party kicks out members who they deem to be too far left and instead promotes weak middle of the road leaders who answer to, you guess it, corporate oligarchs. See a pattern?

All of this pisses me off, because once again you are being attacked for wanting a better world; one in which all people are treated equally, and have the right to free healthcare and a roof over their head. If you are a young leftist reading this rant please know that you are not, and never will be, alone. There are many others out there who feel the same as you do, who want a better future instead of one in which only the wealthy are allowed to exist comfortably while everybody else has to fight over affordable food and housing. If somebody calls you a commie or a socialist answer ‘So, what’s wrong with that?’. Stand up for yourself and don’t let others bully you into submission.

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